Week Two: The Smart Car and the Not-So-Smart Driver

So this week I learned something new about my car and ten gallons of water. I loaded up my car with all the water jugs I had for the "M stop" for Saturday's run. I put the biggest jug, which holds ten gallons, in the passenger seat. Apparently the car sensed that anything as heavy as a jug filled with ten gallons of water, sitting shotgun, HAD to be a human. So as I'm driving down Lake Street, the car kept beeping at me because the passenger seat belt wasn't buckled.

I figured it would stop beeping after awhile. But I was wrong. It turns out cars don't have brains, so they can't get bored. The freaking car had no reason to stop beeping, no matter how much I tried to ignore it, until I actually fastened the water jug's seat belt.

It turns out cars aren't too bright.

The irony here is that I ended up buckling the seat belt, in the name of water safety, while I was driving, which is not so safe. By the time I had the freaking seat belt secured, I was veering towards the center line and was close to driving like I was in England. But the stakes were pretty low. Lake Street is pretty quiet at 6:20 am on Saturday morning, so I had both directions of traffic open to me.

But as I think about it. Maybe that car is closer to KITT (of Knight Rider fame) than I originally thought. Maybe it is actually KITT Jr. Given how freaking hot it ended up being on Saturday, that water I was transporting to Dean Parkway was clear gold, and KITT Jr. knew that.

If I had been driving the real KITT, it could have talked to me. "What are you doing Michael? That water could spill if you come to a sudden stop. Runners will get thirsty if you don't deliver this water safely to them. You need to buckle the water jug in." But of course, my car can't talk. So all it could do is beep at me annoyingly and incessantly.

Cripes. It reminds me of my cat who meows just the same way. And coinicdentally, my wife and I named that *&^%%$#@#!! cat after the old Saturday Night Live charachter, "Toonces the Driving Cat" who, like me on Saturday morning, could not drive very well.


Our cat Toonces can't drive (but I know should would love to try), can't help me look for my keys, and wouldn't want to even if she could. It turns out cats aren't too bright.

And now I am slowly realizing my car might be smarter than Toonces and, sadly, me. At the end of the run, there was some complicated logistics Marty, Deb, and I had to work out. The details are even less interesting than this blog, but in the end I had traded vehicles with Marty, and he drove my car to Marathon Sports, and I drove his to break down the M water stop.

I am good at breaking down water stops because it is an activity that really does not really involve my frontal lobes. What I'm not good at is things that require things like multi-tasking and memory. And now that Marty was driving KITT Jr. no one was around to save me from myself. After I loaded up his SUV with all the water coolers, tables, and trash, I breahted a sigh of relief, and looked forward to getting some coffee at Marathon Sports.

Except, uh, where did I put the keys? Remember what I said about being bad with multi-tasking and remembering things?

It turns out I'm not too bright.

When I was a kid I had this dirt bike, the SX-2000. I never ever had a wreck on it. And let me tell you, I did a lot of daring things on that bike. It doesn't matter if David Hasselhoff was the driver or Toonces, it's a miracle I never got hit by a car doing some of the dumb things I did on that bike. So I credit the magic of the SX-2000 to the fact that I never once got in a bike accident. Well, except one time, when I traded bikes with my friend and ended up riding his bike right into a parked car, while he crusied pass me on the divine SX-2000.

You see where I'm going here? I drive KITT Jr. and I can safely transport liquid gold through the heart of the city, while driving like Toonces. I swap vehicles with Marty, and I can't even figure out what I did with the keys once I cut the engine off.

Now if I can find a way to bottle the magic of the SX-2000 and KITT Jr. and pour it into my shoes, I will never have to think for myself while running a marathon again. Success will be mine! If a big pack of people passes me at mile two and I go with them, my shoes could suddenly become very heavy and slow me down. They would say, "What are you doing Michael? You know you are supposed to run your own pace and race in a marathon."

When I turn up Summit and my legs turn to goo and my body starts shutting down, my shoes can say, "Don't worry Michael. You relax for the next five miles. We will do the running for you."

I think I may have to ammend my top five lists of favorite shoes if Knight Rider ever becomes a brand.

So let's see. What lengths would I go to improve my marathon performance? Following the logic of this post, I can't drive any better than my cat, my shoes and car talk to me, and they're smarter than me. But, I do get to run a good marathon. Seems like a good trade-off to me.